Just after Havdalah last week, I looked around the room and saw my daughter (7) reading a Tanach in a quiet corner to my left, my special needs son (2) dancing with other men in the middle of the room, and my husband to my right drinking scotch L’chaims with new friends. One year ago I would never have imagined this would be the scene before me, yet here it was, filling my heart with inspiration and joy. But how did I arrive here, in this moment? One could say it was a series of purposeful accidents, but I know that isn’t true. Each relationship, each experience, was crafted by Hashem just for me. Let me explain.
My husband and I shared a fairly secular background and we were content with this until we started a family. We adopted our beautiful children and with all of the challenges that come with that, I found myself questioning my worthiness to be their mother. Many of my friends at that time could not understand my feelings on choosing a mohel, or mikveh. I was feeling frustrated and disconnected. And then I stumbled upon the Shabbat Project Great Big Challah Bake. It is because of that organization that I first met Esti Deutsch from Chicago Torah Network (CTN). She had gathered and trained all of the challah captains, as well as fostering the opportunity for all CTN women to join her at a single location to enjoy the festivities.
I attended my first CTN Women’s retreat and the sisterhood that weekend was infectious. I was in awe how so many women from various religious backgrounds could come together for growth, discussion, community, and friendship. And then some women stood up and shared about their JWRP Israel trip experiences with CTN. During free time that Shabbos, I returned to my room and read through all the ‘swag’ and saw the flyer for Jewish Family Experience (JFE) lead by Rabbi Yehuda and Mashi Polstein. I must have been so excited because I returned home that night and enrolled my daughter in JFE, which we are still at today and as happy as on day one. So much so that every chance we get, we attend the free adult class at JFE given by CTN’s very own Rabbi Moshe Katz. JFE and CTN has reminded us that Jewish education is a family affair, and we need to teach our children its importance through example.
As mentioned before, this past year was defining for me. My father died September 29, 2017, Erev Yom Kippur. We surrounded him in the hospital room, playing Kol Nidre on YouTube with the phone set next to his ear on the pillow, as he took his last breaths. Honestly, it was both Esti and my Rabbi that helped me understand my grief and find my way to live through it. My friends from Shabbat Project Chicago came to support me and love me when that’s all I needed. Mashi sat with me at my home and listened with a gentle ear. Esti called to check on me, and never at any moment did I feel like I was alone. As soon as I thought I was getting a handle on my new reality, my grandmother, my best friend, died on May 29th, only 8 months later.
Desperately searching for more Judaic fulfillment, a friend gave me a not so gentle push to apply for the July 2018 JWRP Israel trip. I was honestly so excited to even get an interview that I felt like I won the lottery. A week later I was sitting in a room answering a variety of questions designed to get to know me. I shared with Esti and Robin Loeb that this would be my 4th trip to Israel, as I had already been to visit family, staying in Tel Aviv and enjoying the shopping, beaches, cafes, and parks like a local. Yet this trip would be for me. After receiving my acceptance letter a few short weeks later, I remember calling my friend and hearing her words smile through the phone, “You’re in for the experience of a lifetime.”
As the plane began its descent, some cried, some were excited, but I sat quietly in my seat. That week, was a personal, profound and transformative experience. We explored our land, her history, and her miraculous story and we soaked in the wisdom of meaningful, relevant Jewish values. I remember standing at the Kotel, eyes closed, smelling the fresh pages of my new siddur, the quiet hum of prayer all around, and crying. It was the first time I felt like I was face to face with Hashem and he was seeing me in the rawest and authentic version I have ever been. I returned home a week later ready to grow as a leader and to take action in my community.
This past Shabbos my family, together with many others, joined CTN in West Rogers Park for our first 25-hour Shabbos. Rabbi and Esti Deutsch lovingly opened their home and arranged for others to do the same so that we could experience all the magic Shabbat has to offer. Our thoughtful itinerary included multiple meals hosted by others in the community, a prayer workshop, services at a local Shul, a deluxe Kiddush, a very insightful Jewish parenting workshop and Havdalah. Not only did I get to spend all this wonderful time with women from my trip, but it was so special to watch our kids play together and forge their own friendships; L’dor v’dor. And this is why, as the Havdalah candle was extinguished, and the scent of cinnamon lingered in the air, I reflected on all of the special moments we shared, watching my family around the room, and filled with hope that we will be able to do this again soon.
