Girl Talk

Being the parent of a teen is a rollercoaster – complete with the usual happiness, excitement, angst, stress, and a tantrum or two. Recently, Jennifer Mann, LCSW, moderator of TJH’s “What Would You Do If” dating and relationship panel, teamed up with Rebecca Gordon, LCSW, social worker at HANC High School, to develop a program for the community’s girls, geared at helping them make a smooth transition through the teenage years. Here we chatted with the duo to learn more about the Girl Talk program and for some advice on how to help be a better parent of teenagers.

Jennifer Mann:  Excellent question.  I am a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples and families.  The readership knows me through the dating panel, but in my practice I work with hosts of different issues and people.  Creating Girl Talk was a natural progression for me. If we can build girls’ confidence, self-esteem and self-worth when they are in grade school, middle school and high school, we prepare our girls all the more so for dating and marriage.  I teamed up with Rebecca Gordon, who specializes in adolescents, to address the issues that our girls are facing.

Rebecca Gordon: Girl Talk is an age-based workshop designed for girls in grades 3 through 12.  School offers students an academic curriculum which gives each child an opportunity to expand her mind and talents.   We have developed an emotion-based curriculum to help girls navigate their ever-changing emotions, friendships, self-esteem, body image, and social skills.  Girl Talk is a 6 week program that empowers girls to live confidently in their own skin. Weeks 1 and 2 focus on self-esteem and body image. Weeks 3 and 4 target emotional regulation skills and stress reduction techniques.  We conclude weeks 5 and 6 with healthy friendships, boundaries and social skills.

JM: If you have a daughter, I think you may relate to the following.  She comes home from school and is crying hysterically because her two best friends are no longer talking to her.  Or, your sweet little angel is suddenly angry or withdrawn at home. Your once confident dancer will no longer put on her leotard and tutu and refuses to attend her dance lessons.  You’re finding it difficult to keep up with her social drama, and she is convinced that her teacher hates her.

Girls will face different issues at different stages of development, and we have noticed through our years in the field that many of the girls don’t have the tools that they need to cope.  Many, if not most, girls are experiencing these issues and are forced to deal with them alone. And parents often don’t know how to help their daughters through these challenging times. Girl Talk has been created to address exactly these issues. It is for every girl. A child does not need a clinical diagnosis to join the group, but that won’t be a deterrent either. We conduct a short phone session with each parent to determine a child’s appropriateness for the group.

RG: Where do I start? Being a teenager is certainly not easy. Teenagers are tasked with exploring and forming their own identity. There are so many factors which can complicate this: family expectations, societal norms, social pressures, and so on. They are trying to figure out what makes them tick while balancing the many external pressures they are constantly bombarded with. How much more difficult this task is for teens today, in an age of almost 24/7 social media bombardment. How difficult to not allow that to cloud your judgement!

Some of the most common challenges teen girls are faced with are body image, self-esteem, academic stress, social and familial relationships, and peer pressure. Again, with the increasing reliance on smartphones, they are given very little opportunity to ever truly have a “break” from all this pressure. Recent studies have shown that teenagers, now more than ever, are reporting increased feelings of anxiety and depression. In fact, anxiety has been shown to be the number one mental health issue affecting teenagers today.

It has become more and more clear that the struggles our teens are faced with keep growing, while their ability to cope with these struggles does not. We have created Girl Talk, in part, to provide a forum to discuss, explore and connect. Our girls need to carve out time (when their phone is not constantly nagging or pressuring them) to truly focus on themselves. Girl Talk provides just that, and so much more!

JM: As a therapist, and also as the mom of a teenage girl, this is a question I ask myself all the time.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Your teenager will test you, push you past your limits, take your kishkas out, and make you feel incompetent (and that’s just Monday morning breakfast).  By far, the most important piece of parenting advice I can offer is to stay connected and attuned to your teen, no matter what. If you daughter tells you, “Mom, I hate you. You’re the worst mother ever” (you know, on Tuesday morning) make sure you knock on her door Tuesday night just to say hello and ask her how she’s doing.  “This was a rough morning, huh? Everything OK?”

We have to strive to monitor our own feelings and emotions and make sure we are not projecting our own wants and desires, fears or inhibitions on our children. Your teen’s emotions are running high, and I see so many parents taking their teens’ jabs as a personal insult. They engage in arguments with their teens or sometimes pull away.  If you do this and detach, you will lose your child. G-d wired adolescents to think parents are “stupid” as an impetus to leave us. If they thought we were wonderful and brilliant they would never fly the nest. So, keep communication open, don’t take teen-hood personally, and remember that your teen is going through so much. If she’s lashing out at Mom, this is because she feels safe with Mom.  Let her know that you may disagree but she can always come talk to you, no matter what.

JM: Absolutely.  While girls have always dealt with body image, social skills and conflict resolution, social media and the internet have exacerbated everything.  Today, a girl will go onto (or into) her phone and she has access to and pictures of what everyone in her class did over the weekend. This often brings up feelings of jealousy, thinking that everyone else is living a life more fabulous than she is.  She may feel left out seeing six girls from class at a sleepover party she wasn’t invited to. Some girls are allowed to use some social media sites while others are not. The girls who aren’t allowed (and rightfully so) often feel out of the loop as social plans are being made without her.

I also think there is more homework now than ever, which is destroying the fabric of family life and causing so much undue stress on the kids and parents alike.  Kids are overly scheduled with extracurricular activities.

RG: Girl Talk is already up and running! We launched Girl Talk last month in my office in West Hempstead. Even without any advertising, we had a full group before we knew it. The group consists of ten fifth grade girls, from various neighborhoods and schools. Both Jennifer and I are absolutely amazed and impressed by the success of this group. From the start of the first session the excitement was palpable. The girls continue to impress us with their depth, insight, understanding, compassion and willingness to share. This group has gelled so beautifully, they are already asking for round 2! The girls themselves have reported feeling less isolated, more understood, and excited about their new friendships. We are currently forming a group in our West Hempstead location for third and fourth grade girls. Parents should reach out soon as space is limited.

RG: Girl Talk is only getting started! We are planning on launching Girl Talk in the Five Towns as soon as we secure a location. Groups are age-based. As soon as there is enough interest amongst a specific age group, we are ready to roll! We are currently in talks with two local day camps, as we are passionate about bringing Girl Talk to as many girls as possible. If schools are interested, they should contact us as well.

I’d like to quote a parent, Dawn Horowitz, whose daughter just attended a Girl Talk sessions. This is what she said after her daughter came home from one session, “My daughter came home with thought-provoking assignments that allowed her to reflect on what was spoken about weekly. She even expressed to me how she is better able to regulate when she gets upset or angry based on what she was taught. The most inspiring assignment was the kindness token. The girls were given a token and were told when kindness is done to them, hand that token off to that person. That person has to do the same and keep paying the kindness token forward. It was a truly special lesson and a great way to end this beautiful experience. I can’t wait to send my younger daughter to Girl Talk soon and see what she gets out of it!”

Feedback from parents like Dawn motivates us even more to continue to expand Girls Talk.