Imagine the following scene- a husband and wife are sitting together and talking when the husband begins to feel his phone subtly vibrating in his pocket. Being a courteous and respectful husband, he of course ignores the call/text/email/snap/tweet, etc and refocuses on his wife’s story, without his wife even realizing he had momentarily checked out of the conversation.
I would venture to guess that this, or something similar, has probably happened to everyone reading this article at least once or twice…today. And on the surface, the husband did nothing wrong: the conversation was not interrupted, he showed no signs of disrespect to his wife and seemingly, they had a very pleasant conversation. But perhaps there is something deeper that we need to pay attention to.
Technology and smartphones have had a vast impact on all aspects of life. One cannot pick up a newspaper or magazine today without seeing another study showing the addictive nature of social media or a quote from a high profile, former tech CEO confessing his regret as to how he helped move the train along. However one particular area of change that we must begin to focus on is that of our marriages. And whereas an entire textbook can probably be written about the wide array of challenges that smartphones and social media raise for a couple, I would like to focus briefly on just one, perhaps the most basic and fundamental.
Rav Shlomo Volbe, zt’l, writes in his Kuntrus L’Chasanim – Guide for Grooms- that a person entering a marriage must be prepared to be fully invested in the relationship. Often, says Rav Volbe, a young man gets married and he is so used to his single lifestyle and the freedom that came with it, that he keeps an eye on his previous life. Of course there are many stumbling blocks that come along with this type of mindset. But perhaps most importantly, is his inability to dedicate all of his emotions to his marriage. He may be present, and even respectful and caring, but he will not fully be there.
For a marriage to grow and strengthen, each spouse must be willing to open him or herself up entirely; to be completely emotionally available to each other. Hashem charges Adam and Chava, and all future marriages, that they are to bond together to become one. Rav Volbe explains that if this is what Hashem tells us to do, it must be that He inculcated into the fabric of life that this is the only way for a marriage to flourish and reach its full potential. There was a time not too long ago, that a husband or wife came home from work, closed the door behind them and instantly became available to reconnect with each other after a long day apart. They were able to clear away the distractions and pull of the outside world and feel in their hearts a profound emotion for each other.
Today, however, we carry the outside world into our homes and thereby into our relationships, leaving us that much less able to connect to the person who matters the most. Having a smartphone with me means that I always have the world at my fingertips. I am carrying my work in my pocket and the latest scores and news updates in the palm of my hand. I may be alone with my spouse, but I am simultaneously connecting to each and every one of my 737 “friends”. We cannot fully connect to our spouses when our emotions are being pulled in so many different directions.
In her renowned book, The Big Disconnect, Catherine Steiner-Adair, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, writes that as a society, we have been left emotionally and relationally fatigued by the constant need to be connected to others and to the world at large. By the time we get home, we have expended so much of our emotional energy that there is very little left to give to our spouses. Whether it is feeling empathy for what our spouses are sharing with us, or even just having a meaningful conversation that connects us on a deeper level, having our emotions available for each other is what provides the potential to draw us together and make us feel connected.
There was a widely quoted study done recently by The McCombs School of Business (among others). The results showed that the closer a person’s smartphone is to them, the more their cognitive functioning and critical thinking becomes compromised. Other studies show that this is true with our emotional capacity as well. The closer we keep our phones, the more we internalize our phones, the less our emotions are available for bonding with our spouses. Our relationships have become inhibited by our diminishing emotional capacity.
So what now? No one is throwing away their smartphones so quickly (although I have a hunch we would all be much happier if we did), so what can we do? Firstly, as is widely recommended, there should be designated tech free time in the home. Whether it is dinner time, or any other set 30 minutes, there needs to be a time when a couple can turn off their phones and use their emotions solely for their spouse. Likewise, there should be a smartphone curfew. Sometime around 10:00 or 11:00 pm all phones are turned off and our emotions have a chance to rest and be rejuvenated. Being connected from the second we wake up until the second we go to sleep leaves us no time to feel our emotions for our spouses. This is true especially during shana rishona, the first year of marriage, when the couple is building the emotional foundation of the rest of their lives together. Generation Z’ers are seemingly born with an iPhone attached to their palms. But once they enter their own homes, and find themselves alone with their new spouse, it is only to the extent that they free themselves of the emotional restraints of a smartphone that they will be free to pursue deepening the bond of their promising new relationship.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, smartphones should be kept out of the bedroom. There must be one place in our lives that we can escape to and know that when I am there, my heart and mind are free from the connection to the outside world.
Marriage provides a framework to form the deepest of bonds. To plunge into the depths of our hearts and feel a profound emotion for another person. It is within that connection that we truly find meaning in everything that we do and establish a framework and blueprint for our children to follow in our footsteps. By powering off our smartphones, we are opening our emotions…and our marriages to all of the brachos that ensue.
