Quick question…what nice thing have you done for your spouse today? I’m not talking about taking out the garbage, cleaning the dishes, or paying the bills. I mean something thoughtful that did not have to be done. Something for which you had to go out of your way and put in a little effort. How about this week? Month? If you are like most couples, it will probably take you a little time to think about it, and even then, you may not be able to come up with anything. After all, life is busy! Among all the myriad of things we must get done today, it is nearly impossible to find time, not to mention brain power, to strategize and then execute a plan. Is it even necessary? Our spouses know how we feel and occasionally, we express our feelings with a thoughtful gift or a night out. Isn’t that enough?
Of all the Yomim Tovim that we celebrate throughout the year, Pesach has a unique characteristic in that the central theme of the holiday is something that is actually not so unique at all. The main goal of Pesach is to recall and remember how Hashem freed us from slavery and took us out of Egypt. We spend two full nights in the most elaborate and celebratory way imaginable dissecting every aspect of this salvation. Yet, the halacha says that we in fact have an obligation to recall the exodus every single day of the year, morning and night when we recite Shema. Why is the once a year celebration not enough? Why require the remembrance every single day? (The commentaries do discuss at length what are some of the differences. But at their core, the yearly remembrance and the daily one seem to be the same.)
Hashem created the world in such a way that nothing improves unless it is tended to and cultivated. With time, even the most magnificent of things will deteriorate and disappear. Whether it is a beautiful garden or a succulent delicacy, time will make it wither away. (Although wine may seem like the exception, even that requires delicate care and planning.) Our physical bodies are governed by the same rule. How often have you seen someone never exercise or eat healthy and continue to grow strong and build stamina?
This is not only true of the physical world, but of the spiritual world as well. Inspiration does not last, holiness cannot be bottled, and prior accomplishments can only propel us forward for so long. The famous mashal is told about life’s spiritual journey being compared to walking up a downward escalator; if we don’t push ourselves forward every day, we are automatically brought down.
Retelling the story of how Hashem took us out of Mitzrayim is not simply for historical purposes. Rather the goal is to strengthen our emunah, our faith in G-d. Of course He created the world, but who says He is still around guiding and controlling it? Our leaving Mitzrayim in such a miraculous way serves as a beacon to recall constantly that Hashem is in control of the world and our faith must be placed in Him and no where else. But that emunah, as all things, is fleeting. Every day that we do not push to strengthen it, it weakens ever so slightly. And so in addition to the extravagant celebration we have once a year on the anniversary of the exodus, we also must remember it on a daily basis, so as to reinforce our emunah in Hashem and never waiver in our faith.
On an emotional level, the same holds true. If we do not attempt to strengthen our feelings daily, they will decrease little by little. The amazing feelings we had while standing under the chuppah can only carry us so far. It is crucial that we work to build and deepen those emotions every single day. When Avraham Avinu was visited by the angels, who would tell him that he will be having a child in one year’s time, the angels begin the conversation by asking Avaraham where is his wife Sarah. Rashi explains that the angels were trying to increase Avraham’s love for his wife by asking this leading question- Avraham had to be aware that Sarah was in the tent taking care of the needs of the angels. The Chazon, Ish, Rav Avrohom Yeshaya Karelitz, zt’l, points out that we must keep in mind the context of when this conversation was taking place, and with whom the angels were talking. Avraham and Sarah, according to the medresh, had been married for over 80 years at this point. And we are talking about the father and mother of Klal Yisroel, two individuals who lives infused the concept of chesed within the DNA of their descendants for all time. Yet, the angels still needed to help Avraham increase the love he felt for his wife!
I once heard a marriage therapist suggest that a couple should try to score ten points every day. A point is scored whenever either spouse does something nice for the other. It can be a little note placed in their briefcase, buying that little snack that you know your spouse likes, or a quick text during the day just saying hi. Nothing fancy, nothing opulent. Just the basics. Something that says today I tried, if even in the slightest of ways, to strengthen my feelings for my spouse.
The emotions of a chasan and kallah standing under the chuppah are a once in a lifetime experience. But perhaps it is because the feelings should only increase and intensify. If we know the answer to the question of what have you done for your spouse today, we are hopefully doing what we can to strengthen those precious feelings.
